Beauty from Pain

These are the lyrics to a touching song by Superchick.

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive but I feel like I've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here I am at the end of me
Tryin' to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Shortly after we lost baby Micah these lyrics were going through my head. Actually, they were going through James' head as well. We have had some other difficulties this past year as well. Things are turning out different that we had imagined. As I was driving home tonight, I heard this song and the lyrics rang true again. "And though I can't understand why this happened, I know that I will when I look back some day and see how you've brought beauty from ashes, and made me as gold purified through these flames." This is such a comfort. All that is lost is not forgotten. All that is broken is not thrown away. We are healing and moving forward. Some days are just harder than others.

Mother's Day

The boys gave me a scroll this year with the following words this year...

About Our Mom
What does Mom do while Asa is at school
Asa: messes up my stuff
Judah: watch movies

If Mom were an animal, what would she be?
A: a dinosaur because dinosaurs are big and sometimes girls, like the mommy dinosaur from Dinosaur Train
J: a lion

What is Mommy's favorite TV show?
A: The Cosby Show
J: Dora

What is Mommy's most important rule?
A: clean up
J: poop on the potty

Why do you love Mommy?
A: she gets me stuff, she likes stuff I do.
J: she makes me happy

What is the best food Mommy makes?
A: the Cars macaroni
J: Nutella sandwich

What makes Mommy laugh?
A: when I tell funny stuff and jokes
J: being funny (when I am funny)

How tall is Mommy?
A: by the lamp
J: as tall as Daddy

What is your favorite thing to do with Mommy?
A: go to Hy-Vee
J: help Mommy cook

What is Mommy the best at?
A: cooking
J: watching movies

Note: Reuben was unavailable for questioning.


This is the best gift! It captures so much about our life right now. It's a gift that I will cherish forever! Thanks James!

Words From My Heart

It's been over eight weeks since we lost our fourth baby. I've been trying to write this post for several weeks. It's draining to pen my feelings. We found out a few weeks ago that the baby was a girl. Micah Elizabeth. I was hoping for a girl this time. We have some adorable summer dresses that my sister and I wore when we were babies. They would have been perfect for a July baby. I guess I have wished for a girl all along. My sisters have girls and they have always been fun. Every chance I get, I braid their hair, paint their nails and take them shopping. Those aren't the typical things moms with boys do, so I cherish the time I get to spend with my nieces. They are getting older so now I get to talk to them about fashion and boys!
Now, don't get me wrong, I love my boys! They are fun to play with and they enjoy doing some girl stuff like cooking and making crafts. Every time I'm in the kitchen, Judah asks, "What you making?" and pushes a chair to the counter to help me. Asa loves drawing pictures and telling detailed stories about the characters he has drawn. Reuben is strong and loves to climb and play just like his big brothers. It is fun to watch them all wrestle, something that wouldn't happen with a gaggle of girls. I love my boys!
It's difficult to think about our loss and try to rationalize it in my mind. Pregnancy is the epitome of the "already, not yet" concept. A life in the womb changes your thoughts, your plans, your diet, your exercise, your dreams. But it's not visible or tangible. I had started to envision myself this summer as a pregnant woman. It would be hot. I would follow Reuben around the playground, making sure he didn't step off the edge. We would swim and I would have looked ridiculous. We would take an early vacation. Asa would start kindergarten and I would have a baby. Most of these things will still happen. I will look ridiculous at the pool, no getting around that! We will go on vacation. Asa will start kindergarten. But there will be no baby. We will have a great summer! I won't be miserably hot. I will have no restrictions for having lots of fun with my family. But there will be no baby. I haven't lost something tangible, but I have lost a dream. The way I envisioned my life has changed.
I don't really feel mad or confused about why our baby died. It appears that it was an accident. Something just went wrong. I am grateful for three perfect boys. I think I took for granted what an absolute miracle it is for a human to be born. The process is so delicate. Millions of things have to happen exactly right in order for a baby to be born healthy and fully developed.
As I sit in my living room with my boys, I am thankful for the family God has given me. I have the smartest, funniest, cutest kids in the world. I am still sad that we lost Micah before we even got to know her. I am beginning to hope for another baby, maybe even a girl. I am trusting that God will continue to bless our family. He always provides just what we need.

Kindergarten Registration

Tonight we took a step towards the end of my life. Just kidding. We registered Asa for school. It really wasn't a big deal. We went to the school, gave them our paperwork and toured the kindergarten classrooms. Fun times. The funny thing is that Asa was a bit shy. He spoke quietly and walked reluctantly. Judah was excited. He charged right in and explored the place. Reuben also was pretty excited. He ran for the door every time we put him down. We had to hit up the playground and the bus. We even got a little ride. Asa and Judah were all smiles!
I can't believe that it's almost time for kindergarten. I suddenly feel a big responsibility. Yesterday I was just a mother of little babies. Today I'm almost a school mom. Man, that's a lot! I'm sure I will step up to that challenge. Somehow.

Baby Micah

My husband wrote a post on his blog about our baby, Micah.

PSA

I don't have time to say anything, but you want to read my husband's blog today!

What's for Dinner?

Here is the first post in response to your writing topic ideas. This one is from one of my favorite girls, Christina. Thanks for the idea!

You should write about cooking...maybe your favorite things to make or how you decide what meals to fix....or how you deal with a husband who doesn't eat vegetables!

I'll just start with the meals we had last week for dinner.
Monday: Baked Cheese Ravioli and Breadsticks- The ravioli is frozen, throw it in a dish with meat sauce and mozzarella cheese. Bake for about an hour. Breadsticks were also frozen but really good. It's a pretty easy meal. I didn't bother with a salad this time.
Tuesday: Chick-Fil-A -This is just something fun we do with friends sometimes when the kids can eat for free.
Wednesday: Baked Swai, rice pilaf, steamed veggies- I cannot make rice pilaf. It had no flavor. The fish was good but the boys didn't eat it. They had leftover macaroni and cheese.
Thursday: Orange Chicken with steamed rice- Pretty easy. I found a bottle of Panda Express' orange chicken sauce. The boys like eating with chopsticks so they actually ate pretty well.
Friday: Buffalo Wild Wings to celebrate a friend's birthday
Saturday: Rochelle's Chilli with cornbread muffins- Yes, I have a friend that makes great chilli. She won't give me the recipe so she makes it for us any time we have the need for chilli. Crazy, I know.

Other things we love:
enchiladas, tacos or quesadillas with rice, beans, salsa and guacamole (the boys often just eat chips and salsa)
spaghetti
pizza or calzones
breakfast for dinner, often biscuits and gravy, breakfast casserole or waffles
grilled chicken and fried potatoes
mac & cheese, the homemade version

There's the basics. Hopefully I will write more posts about what I cook! Remind me if I forget!