It's been over eight weeks since we lost our fourth baby. I've been trying to write this post for several weeks. It's draining to pen my feelings. We found out a few weeks ago that the baby was a girl. Micah Elizabeth. I was hoping for a girl this time. We have some adorable summer dresses that my sister and I wore when we were babies. They would have been perfect for a July baby. I guess I have wished for a girl all along. My sisters have girls and they have always been fun. Every chance I get, I braid their hair, paint their nails and take them shopping. Those aren't the typical things moms with boys do, so I cherish the time I get to spend with my nieces. They are getting older so now I get to talk to them about fashion and boys!
Now, don't get me wrong, I love my boys! They are fun to play with and they enjoy doing some girl stuff like cooking and making crafts. Every time I'm in the kitchen, Judah asks, "What you making?" and pushes a chair to the counter to help me. Asa loves drawing pictures and telling detailed stories about the characters he has drawn. Reuben is strong and loves to climb and play just like his big brothers. It is fun to watch them all wrestle, something that wouldn't happen with a gaggle of girls. I love my boys!
It's difficult to think about our loss and try to rationalize it in my mind. Pregnancy is the epitome of the "already, not yet" concept. A life in the womb changes your thoughts, your plans, your diet, your exercise, your dreams. But it's not visible or tangible. I had started to envision myself this summer as a pregnant woman. It would be hot. I would follow Reuben around the playground, making sure he didn't step off the edge. We would swim and I would have looked ridiculous. We would take an early vacation. Asa would start kindergarten and I would have a baby. Most of these things will still happen. I will look ridiculous at the pool, no getting around that! We will go on vacation. Asa will start kindergarten. But there will be no baby. We will have a great summer! I won't be miserably hot. I will have no restrictions for having lots of fun with my family. But there will be no baby. I haven't lost something tangible, but I have lost a dream. The way I envisioned my life has changed.
I don't really feel mad or confused about why our baby died. It appears that it was an accident. Something just went wrong. I am grateful for three perfect boys. I think I took for granted what an absolute miracle it is for a human to be born. The process is so delicate. Millions of things have to happen exactly right in order for a baby to be born healthy and fully developed.
As I sit in my living room with my boys, I am thankful for the family God has given me. I have the smartest, funniest, cutest kids in the world. I am still sad that we lost Micah before we even got to know her. I am beginning to hope for another baby, maybe even a girl. I am trusting that God will continue to bless our family. He always provides just what we need.
