It's been over eight weeks since we lost our fourth baby. I've been trying to write this post for several weeks. It's draining to pen my feelings. We found out a few weeks ago that the baby was a girl. Micah Elizabeth. I was hoping for a girl this time. We have some adorable summer dresses that my sister and I wore when we were babies. They would have been perfect for a July baby. I guess I have wished for a girl all along. My sisters have girls and they have always been fun. Every chance I get, I braid their hair, paint their nails and take them shopping. Those aren't the typical things moms with boys do, so I cherish the time I get to spend with my nieces. They are getting older so now I get to talk to them about fashion and boys!
Now, don't get me wrong, I love my boys! They are fun to play with and they enjoy doing some girl stuff like cooking and making crafts. Every time I'm in the kitchen, Judah asks, "What you making?" and pushes a chair to the counter to help me. Asa loves drawing pictures and telling detailed stories about the characters he has drawn. Reuben is strong and loves to climb and play just like his big brothers. It is fun to watch them all wrestle, something that wouldn't happen with a gaggle of girls. I love my boys!
It's difficult to think about our loss and try to rationalize it in my mind. Pregnancy is the epitome of the "already, not yet" concept. A life in the womb changes your thoughts, your plans, your diet, your exercise, your dreams. But it's not visible or tangible. I had started to envision myself this summer as a pregnant woman. It would be hot. I would follow Reuben around the playground, making sure he didn't step off the edge. We would swim and I would have looked ridiculous. We would take an early vacation. Asa would start kindergarten and I would have a baby. Most of these things will still happen. I will look ridiculous at the pool, no getting around that! We will go on vacation. Asa will start kindergarten. But there will be no baby. We will have a great summer! I won't be miserably hot. I will have no restrictions for having lots of fun with my family. But there will be no baby. I haven't lost something tangible, but I have lost a dream. The way I envisioned my life has changed.
I don't really feel mad or confused about why our baby died. It appears that it was an accident. Something just went wrong. I am grateful for three perfect boys. I think I took for granted what an absolute miracle it is for a human to be born. The process is so delicate. Millions of things have to happen exactly right in order for a baby to be born healthy and fully developed.
As I sit in my living room with my boys, I am thankful for the family God has given me. I have the smartest, funniest, cutest kids in the world. I am still sad that we lost Micah before we even got to know her. I am beginning to hope for another baby, maybe even a girl. I am trusting that God will continue to bless our family. He always provides just what we need.
That was a beautiful testament to how a knowledge of the Savior can strengthen us in times of sorrow. Of course we have trials, and of course things are hard, but there is hope for the future and a knowledge that God loves you, knows what you are suffering, and has a plan. All things will be okay in the end. We love you both and continue to pray for your family!
ReplyDeleteYou're such a good mom Jodi and you do make wonderful and smart babies. I pray that you will always have hope. I love your illustration of pregnancy being an example of the already not yet. That is a beautiful reminder. I am sad that you are going through such loss.
ReplyDeleteThat is beautiful Jodi. You will get to meet her one day. Losing a baby is the hardest thing ever. I had a miscarriage before I had Mikayla and McKenzie (they were born in July). I was devasted. I had hoped and dreamed about being pregnant for years. That was my first pregnancy. God does have a plan. You have 3 of the cutest boys. Micah will always be in your heart. Praying for your family.
ReplyDeleteKnowing just how hard it is to lose a dream(s) of how life was suppose to be is a hard trial to go through. Jeremiah 29:11-13 is the verses given to us and these have carried me through my loss of dreams. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and wonderful reminder of just how Blessed we all are. Love your family to pieces.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your heart. As your friend, I share your sadness and wish we could have seen the sweet face of Micah Elizabeth...I imagine she would have had big brown eyes and lots of curly hair. Though you didn't get to hold her in your arms, she will always be in your heart. I love your description of the already but not yet. We grieve the loss with you and pray for you often!
ReplyDeleteChristina